A Rebuttal to “21 Reasons Penn State Is No Competition To Rutgers”

Dear Rutgers,

After shout-reading your caps lock-ridden listicle about our beloved university, I used my “inbred IQ” to navigate the internet in search of information about Rutgers-in part due to the fact that Rutgers is not relevant – with the exception of Carli Lloyd. God Bless Carli Lloyd.

Here’s Penn State’s response to your 21 points…(if you missed the initial article, here it is)

1410668447054-MRS042321. Your proximity to New York City is actually pretty cool. But the fact that you need to take a forty-minute train ride to “sick bars”-not so much. Our “sick bars” are located on the other side of College Ave, clustered within blocks of each other. Thus, giving us more money to spend on alcohol as opposed to transportation as well as more time to imbibe in the comfort of our apartments as opposed to trains with vomit, piss, and other foreign substances everywhere.

2. Penn State has the most powerful alumni association in the nation. So, your “best internship’s” boss or executive board is probably led by a Nittany Lion.

3. Underdog wins happen quite frequently. The Nittany Lions are not immune to loss -we are, however, immune to sports-related condescension from a team who has gone 2-23 against us.

As for last year, 13-10: Penn State. I may have the inbred IQ of a Nittany Lion, but I do know that a football game is determined by how many points are posted at the end of the fourth, not after the first half.

4. On that note, and speaking of that same game, please do not insult our quarterback when the number of turnovers and your inadequate offense determined that game. Someone ought to remind them there are two halves in football. As for Hackenberg, he has performed beyond measure time-and-again as a starting freshman who helped to mend a broken program and lead our Nittany Lions to a Bowl Game victory.

5. Congratulations, your timing is impeccable.

6. Rutgers is also the birthplace of academic and athletic underachievement. Not quite an Ivy League and not quite a relevant Big Ten competitor. You’re like the Cavs bench: still a loser, but an irrelevant one.

7. Kappa Delta Rho has some fine men amongst them; I know, I graduated with some of them. They also, like any other organization ever, have individuals who have made mistakes. And Penn State knows, more than most, not to judge the whole, by the fraction.

8. We’ll stop considering Ohio State a rival when you stop trying to make a Penn State/Rutgers Rivalry happen. It’s not going to happen, Gretchen.

9. Maybe not, but when you’re no longer a NIB to the Big Ten, come back and talk to us again, Birthplace of College Football.


10. To go into our university’s notable contributions to society in contrast to Rutgers would be as easy and cruel as… well, as an education from Rutgers. You’re welcome for Fisher-Price, Ben and Jerry’s, the slinky, half of Key & Peele, “Anchorman” and “Talledega Nights”, AccuWeather, and the visualization of the atom.

11. What does State College even do? Receive accolades from Rolling Stone as one of the best music scenes in the US. I also fail to see how Happy Valley existing solely for the university is a con?

12. Please reference point 8. And can we all agree to stop using “fratstars” as an insult? 69% of US Presidents, 85% of US Supreme Court Justices since 1910, and 85% of the Fortune 500 executives have been fraternity brothers.

13. It pays to have a lot of things: the number one recruiting class, the number one student section, the worst stadium for rivals to have to play in, the highest graduation rate amongst athletes, Success with Honor…

14. I’m not sure what the Econ lectures are like over at Rutgers, but, there is a direct correlation between cost and quality.

15. How do we navigate our campus with our inbred IQs? First, we begin with a map or cellular device with GPS-capabilities. Thankfully, our inbred families, and the education that got us into State in the first place, taught us to acknowledge North/South and East/West. Our tiny, infant-like brains also enable us to remember routes and navigate the, essentially, elongated rectangle that is the main campus. And, if all else fails, our fellow classmates are kind enough to direct us if the many maps throughout cannot. If that fails, well, we call our inbred mothers, throw ourselves to the nearest squirrel-free ground, and weep while cursing the late George Atherton.

16. 40°47′46″N 77°51′46″W. Otherwise known as THE CENTER OF F*CKING PENNSYLVANIA.

17. You’re big on founding/entry dates at Rutgers, aren’t you? Need I cite the results of our match again? History speaks for itself.

18. You’re right. We’re mortified. President Barron has actually mandated that we all wear brown paper bags over our head to hide our universities youthful shame and humiliation. Oh the humanity of being eighty-nine years younger.

19. We formal in our fraternities and hotels because we are fiscally responsible and stimulate local and small businesses with our dinnertime patronage and alcohol purchases. Our daylongs, weeklongs, festivals, State Paddy’s, and Arts Fest would put any event of yours to shame.

20. This coming from the university that gave us Ray Rice? You have very low “douchiest” standards at Rutgers, don’t you?

21. Yes, you will. And we, unlike when we played at Rutgers, will welcome you with open arms and, if you play your cards right, shots of fireball and semi-cold Natty cans-and not the inappropriate shirts and gestures we were greeted with. And after the game, we may even buy you a consolation shot at The Phyrst.

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