10 Ways On How To Not Be “That Guy” At Penn State

As the new school year approaches, here’s some friendly advice on the people you should try not to be. Whether you’re an incoming freshman or just need some reminders, you now know that these are the people who drive everyone on campus insane.

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1) The Guy Who Has Nowhere To Be.

Walk. Faster. Ok, I’m gonna be real with you right now. I just took a power nap and have 3 minutes to get from my north side dorm to Willard and you and your friends decided to make a 3 person barricade on Pollock. Don’t be that guy. The sidewalks are crowded, there are a lot of us.

2) The Cheapskate. Give Some Funds To The Host.

There is a common understanding at this school that we’re all ridiculously poor. No one asked me to throw some cash their way for most of the parties I went to (I’m also a chick, Thanks boobs!). When I was poor as hell I definitely didn’t consistently throw cash anyone’s way, but once I got my prestigious job at Qdoba I always tried my best.

3) The Consistently Scary Drunk.

It’s Penn State, you’re eventually going to have a bad night. I’m saying don’t be “Black out Brian” who strips naked and punches a cop in the face anytime he drinks Tequila. You’re literally a walking nightmare to your friends at that point.

4) The Two People in a 500 Person Lecture That Wont Shut Up.

Why did you two even come to this if you were just planning on discussing how biased everyone was at chapter elections last night? I didn’t realize I had decided to go for my minor in “Stupid Conversations”. Do us all a favor and send some poor pledge with your clickers next time.

5) The Kid Who Wont Walk To The Back Of The Loop When It’s Packed.

In coming freshman, if the bus is full you walk to the back until everyone is squished so tight you have PTSD about the smelly frat you partied at this weekend. Some people will not walk all the way back, making the bus driver yell at the them before giving up and driving off without being able to pick up all the students waiting at the stop. Super uncool dude.

6) The Jerk who eats all the ranch and makes a mess at Canyon.

I don’t know who you are, but it has become my life’s work to find you and punch you. It’s been a long night, and all I want is some ranch covered pizza and to talk to drunk strangers. But what’s that I see? An empty container with ranch spewed all over the sides of it and on to the counter. Total devastation. I’m working towards setting up a relief fund.

7) The Guy Who Asks a girl’s friend if she’s “Baby Sitting” because she’s taking the friend away from you at a party.

Now, let me clear a common misconception up real quick for you fellas. NO GIRL is pulling a good friend off a guy that she’s interested in. We’re on a rescue mission for the both of you, you just didn’t know you needed saving yet. Also, what makes you think lashing out at her friend is going to make her like you more? Be cool, dude. It’s lame she’s not interested, but at least she’s not wasting your time anymore.

8) The Pot Head Who Most Definitely Wont be going Back to School for Sophomore Year.

We get it, you don’t have to hide your bong from mom and dad anymore. That doesn’t mean it needs to be displayed proudly in the center of your room for the world to see. As far as I see it, smoking’s fine, wanting cool as hell paraphernalia also fine, needing to skip class in order to make a sick grav bong out of Coke bottles, some stolen lab beakers and duct tape is not so fine. At least you’ll have that when you’re packing up your stuff to be home for good at the end of the year.

9) The Guy Who Consistently Cheats On His Long Distance Significant Other.

So you guys were cutest couple in high school. Snore. Now you’re in college and no one knows or cares who your significant other in California is. What we do care about is seeing you cheat on them every damn weekend, and then having to get drunk with them but keep our mouths shut when they’re visiting.

10) The Obnoxiously Drunk Dude At Football Games.

So you got up at 8am for Kegs and Eggs, that is some impressive dedication. Tailgating and pre-gaming before football games is a huge part of our college’s tradition, but another big college tradition happens to be standing in the student section for the entire game. I can’t tell you how many down for the count drunkies I saw laying in the stands with the blanket of shame laid over them. No one wants to see that.

Honorable Mention: The Dude Who Steals Stuff At Parties.

This is an honorable mention because depending on the stolen item, it can be hilarious. I had a friend steal coco puffs from a party once and the host later posted in a group that they weren’t even mad, just impressed. If you’re gonna be the guy that steals just don’t be a jerk about it. I’m not condoning stealing, but if you’re drunk and you think you might, keep it in your head that it should be: Replaceable, Cheap, and have no sentimental value. If it’s anything else you’re a monster.

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