The TOP 25 Schools In The Country Ranked By Everything
There’s a lot of rankings out there, sometimes, the best ones are subjective (and hilarious). Thrillist ranked all Division I simply taking everything into account, and ranked them based on where they would want to go. Simple as that.
Here are your TOP 25 Schools (with some funny descriptions).
25. University of New Mexico
Would move so much higher if you could actually major in green chile.
24. University of Iowa
You’ve never seen people so dedicated to their love of frozen yogurt until you attend an Iowa basketball game. And I say that with A LOT of admiration.
A pleasant campus in a pleasant place where pleasant Midwesterners show a pleasant amount of enthusiasm for pleasantly average athletic teams.
If you’re not from Hawaii, don’t even think about it.
21. Northwestern University
They may lag behind the rest of the Big 10 as far as athletic prowess goes, but MAN do they know how to party. Oh wait. They absolutely do not. New Trier throws better ragers.
Home to irrational devotion to a modestly popular bicycle race and an entirely rational devotion to a basketball coach with a penchant for berating students and abusing furniture.
A good school in a nice part of LA that has everything going for it. So why does everyone go to sleep at night quietly wishing they went to USC?!?
18. Stanford University
When the tech bubble bursts (you heard it here first Suze Orman!), perhaps that will deflate the massive egos of these kids bombing around Palo Alto on Segways in tank tops that say “Talk nerdy to me.” But until that time, we’ll just have to endure the waves of kids discussing creating “Yik Yak but for ZocDoc” over veggie burgers at Gott’s in a suburban town twice as expensive as the nice part of London.
17. United States Air Force Academy
16. United States Naval Academy (Navy)
It’s great, you guys. Boats! Freedom!
15. United States Military Academy (Army)
Oh man, SO great. Go America!
14. Colorado State University
Coolest football helmets in the college game. That’ll get you somewhere in this ranking.
13. University of Colorado
A fantastically beautiful school on basically a mountain-based movie set. Too bad it’s mostly made up of wealthy white kids from the East and West Coasts who love to listen to Yonder Mountain String Band and use phrases like “pow pow” and “der der” and are seriously bummed that Colorado legalized weed because they had this crazy plan to… wait for it… sell weed. They’re still coming up with alternative plans.
12. University of Georgia
Charges like a top-tier university. And if you’re an upper-middle-class pink-neck from Marietta, it probably seems like one. Luckily, Athens is handsome in a rugged way that kid from Marietta will never be.
11. University of Michigan
Welcome, Jewish kids of Long Island who were not accepted to Penn! The wealthy sons and daughters of suburban auto industry executives who only go to Detroit for Red Wings playoff games would like to invite you to grind on the dance floor at Rick’s!
Actually a pretty awesome time, though students here sometimes rub the nose on a special panther fountain before exams for good luck. This might help to explain how they ended up at Pitt, stuffing fries in their sandwiches and binders and car doors.
9. University of Kentucky
Pretty school filled with pretty students who will all sell medical equipment to doctors in four to seven years. And they will be good at it!
8. University of Mississippi
In case anyone has doubts, just go ahead and tape a sign to your back with “Southern” written in old-fashioned calligraphy with an arrow pointing up towards the bow tie that would be barely visible underneath your collar, if you weren’t wearing your seersucker jacket.
7. University of Oregon
Now that the Ducks are a powerhouse, Eugene’s finally shaking its reputation as a school for jam bands, hippies, and other stereo… aw shit. Oregon just legalized weed.
6. University of Virginia
Based on the aesthetics of the school and town alone, you would be in the top two. But you know it all too well, don’t you UVA students? And it’s that smug satisfaction that you have somehow already won some sort of life lottery that keeps us from allowing ourselves to push you even higher. Also, despite the national fame from Pitch Perfect, your men’s a cappella team is only slightly above average.
5. University of California
Its reputation as a hippie incubator for kids taking independent studies while sitting in redwoods protesting the capitalistic expansion of their favorite vegan burrito spot is only 70% true.
4. University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
Chapel Hill is the Alec Baldwin of Carolina schools and is too damn handsome for us to be mad at it, even if it leaves unacceptable messages for its daughter berating her about her weight.
3. University of Washington
We want to tailgate on boats too. Please let us in so we can tailgate on boats. PLEASE?!!?!
2. University of Texas
UT is cursed by underperforming football and basketball teams… and you’ll get over each annual heartache in about four minutes, because Austin is that rare bird that’s one of the best college towns in America, and one of the best town-towns in America. Yeah, the traffic’s ass, but you’ll be living walking/biking distance from campus so who cares. Just try and ignore the roving packs of mid-30s dudes on bachelor parties asking where Franklin Barbecue is.
1. University of Wisconsin – Madison
The Terrace, Camp Randall, Bascom Hill, all those beautiful lakes that famous dead musicians’ planes crashed into, one billion (literally) bars, legitimately amazing biotech and engineering programs, RON DAYNE — people who went to Madison won’t shut up about how great Madison is. And if you’ve ever visited, you have to begrudgingly admit it’s because Madison is pretty damn perfect. As long as you aren’t there in February.