How to Deal With Midterm Stress When You’ve Already Given Up on Your Dreams

College has a funny way of weeding out all the free spirits and genuine people of this world. So, just say F*** IT and accept the fact that you may never conquer your goals and dreams of one day becoming a functioning member of society. Here’s what to do when you’ve most definitely exhausted all other options for your life and just want to do you for awhile.

Start a Porch Garden:

The great thing about starting a garden of your own in your spare time is getting to play God. Basically, you’ve got all these little seedlings and baby plants, and you get to choose whether they live or die. It’s cool to be able to take care of someone other than yourself sometimes—that’s why people have kids, right? No? Okay.

Mail Yourself a Lifetime Supply of Packing Peanuts:

If the world had more packing peanuts, there would be no war. There would be no sadness at all, as a matter of fact. Imagine a military full of tanks that only shoot airy, pink packing peanuts. Get yourself a huge amount of these little guys and fill every crevice of your life with them. Why not? You’ll have a lot of time on your hands when you don’t have a future to worry about.

Call Your Parents and Ask Them For Your Inheritance 20 Years Early:

Parents are good for two things: money and love. As for the money part, ask your parents if thy can give you the money they were going to give to you when they died in a form of an advanced payment so you can start spending it on a bunch of stuff you don’t need. This money will act as a buffer as you slide down the dark hole that is unemployment in America.

Take a Champagne Bubble Bath:

WTF is a Champagne bubble bath you ask? It’s that thing where you buy 60 bottles of Andre Brut champagne and fill your dirty ass apartment bathtub with it and just soak in it for hours. Beyoncé did it once, so you know by the end of it you’ll be feeling fabulous and not-so-much sad about that calculus midterm you have next Wednesday.

Take Up Basket Weaving:

Weaving of all sorts can be relaxing. Basket weaving, regular (?) weaving, weaving in and out of traffic, etc. The art of weaving is a great way to distract yourself from the responsibilities in your adult life. Don’t worry about anything—just keep on weavin’, boi.

If these tips don’t help you on your journey to self freedom and future unemployment, we don’t know what will. Make sure you use these distractions wisely. Happy relaxation, kids!

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